Last night while i was up very late for many hours with my baby (she wouldnt sleep and would just want to be rocked and fed and cuddled) I began to think about a friendship that i used to have that has now fizzled out.
We met when our kids were 3 and in the same kindy. The kids were the best of friends and always played together so one day we organised to have a play date together to meet. We hit it off instantly and found we had much in common (we were even in the hospital together at the same time when we had the kids). We began what was to be a very close friendship, she even helped plan and organise my baby shower for my second baby. There were many many days and nights that we spent with the kids playing and us talking about life.
I journeyed with her as she planned and then subsequently left her husband. I supported her through this time, always there on the phone, or in person, being a shoulder to cry on, cooking a meal or six and just being the best friend i could be.
Her journey was fraught with regret, sadness, disappointment and eventually depression, and i could see her slowly but surely disintegrating as her life changed and she found that it was really hard as a single mum. Her own mother was very hard on her (for ethnic reasons) and she didnt have a lot of friends. I could see her depression really taking hold and supported her fully in all her decisions and kindly offered advice where appropriate.
I think this is where our friendship started to decline. Looking back i realise now that perhaps she is too sick to want advice. Perhaps she feels threatened by me as i may be perceived to pity her, and while i have "it all together" (not really!) maybe that is too much to take when one is so depressed?
I have just had another baby and in the last year and a half i have had little contact with her, she doesnt know my son or daugther at all. i still see her sometimes at school, but all last year i chose not to go into the school yard as i didnt want to say what was really on my mind, and so i avoided all contact.
about 4mths ago she text me saying how much she missed me and that she was sorry she hadnt been in touch etc etc. she asked if we could meet up for a coffee and i was a little non-committal to which she responded "i promise we are meeting up this weekend!" (I guess she knew how flaky she had become). We had a lovely chat, and caught up on each other's lives, but i vowed not to put too much into it until i could see some commitment from her side.
I realise now 4mths later after only seeing her once when Addi was born, that I was right to be cautious.
She sent me a text early December asking that we dont do Xmas presents for the kids anymore, and i thought it was just a financial decision, and so of course thought nothing of it. Now i realise that this was her way of cutting me off.
I sent her a text not long after the Xmas present one, saying that things were a bit tough for me at that time and i sure could use a friend. She replied saying that things were tough for her too....but didnt ask how i was going with a new baby.
I saw her at school yesterday and she ignored me. I guess i was ignoring her too as i kept my back to her and busied myself with the other girls in the school yard. it didnt hurt actually, more it was an act of defiance, almost as if with my back to her i was saying "screw you, i dont need a friend like you". I feel bad that i felt i had to behave like that, but i feel like i would be fake if i said hello and pretended that i wanted to talk to her.
Frankly i dont want to hear about how hard her life is now. I am sick of caring and wanting to support her. I feel like i have not been given anything back.
I sent her a text at 3.45am telling her that our friendship is over, and that i am sad about that as i really enjoyed our friendship 3-5yrs ago. I feel such a sense of loss, but also i feel strong now knowing that i have set my boundaries and i wont be taken advantage of (even if it wasnt intended) anymore.
How sad that we cant have friendships always lasting forever. How sad that people get so broken that they forget there are people counting on them. I have to remember that i cant save people from themselves, i can only offer up a shoulder to lean on and then the rest is up to them. And also that if they have finished leaning and want to walk on their own, then that's their perogative too.
i will always miss you Marie. I wish we had a continuing friendship.....
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