this week we had a lodger come to stay with us who was in between housing. At first we thought it was us who were being a blessing to him...but looking back over the week i can see that it was us who was also blessed.
You see, my hubby and I are not on the same page when it comes to "charity" and acts like that. He is from a hard working, loving family, but they are not of the "church"...and neither are my family. I do attend a church, and we all hlep each other out, whether it is by cooking meals for needy families( after a baby or illness etc) or provide assistance in the form of hampers at Xmas, driving people places....etc etc.
So when i saw that a young bloke needed a room for a week i was thinking nothing of offering him one. My hubby struggled with it, but he wanted to honour my wishes, and so he agreed.
WE had a couple arguments in the first few days as it was weird having someone else in our home, and hubby didnt like that my attention was on three kids and the lodger. I did notice that we had even less time together as i was up with the lodger talking and advising, and generally trying to help him out emotionally during the time he was with us.
The good part came though, when it was Saturday night - late - kids finally in bed and hubby and i arguing as quietly as we could (normally we are yellers!). Being forced into a heated argument and having to keep our voices low provided a whole new way of arguing for us. Because it was quiet, we HAD to be more respectful, and therefore our discussion wasnt so heated. We nutted out our opinions, and we resolved the conflict in record time and without being mean and nasty - blessing #1.
During the week i spent many hours talking with the lodger and helping him to acknowledge some key adult-behaviours that he needed to adopt. It helped hubby and i crystallize our parenting plan for our own children, and also helped us to see how we would react to a child acting in the same manner as the lodger - blessing #2.
When he finally left yesterday hubby and i could take a big deep breath and realise how we had just sown into a young bloke's life with seeds of harmony, and example of how a family should be. We now know without doubt that unity means harmony, and together we looked after this bloke - blessing #3.
The best thing we got out of the week is that hubby is really proud of me for caring so much about other people that i would let someone into an already busy household, and i would love them like my own child. And i am proud of my hubby for accepting that this is the desire of my heart, and whilst it is ludicrous to him, he allowed me to shine with the gifts i am developing too - blessing #4.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
a Lost Friendship
Last night while i was up very late for many hours with my baby (she wouldnt sleep and would just want to be rocked and fed and cuddled) I began to think about a friendship that i used to have that has now fizzled out.
We met when our kids were 3 and in the same kindy. The kids were the best of friends and always played together so one day we organised to have a play date together to meet. We hit it off instantly and found we had much in common (we were even in the hospital together at the same time when we had the kids). We began what was to be a very close friendship, she even helped plan and organise my baby shower for my second baby. There were many many days and nights that we spent with the kids playing and us talking about life.
I journeyed with her as she planned and then subsequently left her husband. I supported her through this time, always there on the phone, or in person, being a shoulder to cry on, cooking a meal or six and just being the best friend i could be.
Her journey was fraught with regret, sadness, disappointment and eventually depression, and i could see her slowly but surely disintegrating as her life changed and she found that it was really hard as a single mum. Her own mother was very hard on her (for ethnic reasons) and she didnt have a lot of friends. I could see her depression really taking hold and supported her fully in all her decisions and kindly offered advice where appropriate.
I think this is where our friendship started to decline. Looking back i realise now that perhaps she is too sick to want advice. Perhaps she feels threatened by me as i may be perceived to pity her, and while i have "it all together" (not really!) maybe that is too much to take when one is so depressed?
I have just had another baby and in the last year and a half i have had little contact with her, she doesnt know my son or daugther at all. i still see her sometimes at school, but all last year i chose not to go into the school yard as i didnt want to say what was really on my mind, and so i avoided all contact.
about 4mths ago she text me saying how much she missed me and that she was sorry she hadnt been in touch etc etc. she asked if we could meet up for a coffee and i was a little non-committal to which she responded "i promise we are meeting up this weekend!" (I guess she knew how flaky she had become). We had a lovely chat, and caught up on each other's lives, but i vowed not to put too much into it until i could see some commitment from her side.
I realise now 4mths later after only seeing her once when Addi was born, that I was right to be cautious.
She sent me a text early December asking that we dont do Xmas presents for the kids anymore, and i thought it was just a financial decision, and so of course thought nothing of it. Now i realise that this was her way of cutting me off.
I sent her a text not long after the Xmas present one, saying that things were a bit tough for me at that time and i sure could use a friend. She replied saying that things were tough for her too....but didnt ask how i was going with a new baby.
I saw her at school yesterday and she ignored me. I guess i was ignoring her too as i kept my back to her and busied myself with the other girls in the school yard. it didnt hurt actually, more it was an act of defiance, almost as if with my back to her i was saying "screw you, i dont need a friend like you". I feel bad that i felt i had to behave like that, but i feel like i would be fake if i said hello and pretended that i wanted to talk to her.
Frankly i dont want to hear about how hard her life is now. I am sick of caring and wanting to support her. I feel like i have not been given anything back.
I sent her a text at 3.45am telling her that our friendship is over, and that i am sad about that as i really enjoyed our friendship 3-5yrs ago. I feel such a sense of loss, but also i feel strong now knowing that i have set my boundaries and i wont be taken advantage of (even if it wasnt intended) anymore.
How sad that we cant have friendships always lasting forever. How sad that people get so broken that they forget there are people counting on them. I have to remember that i cant save people from themselves, i can only offer up a shoulder to lean on and then the rest is up to them. And also that if they have finished leaning and want to walk on their own, then that's their perogative too.
i will always miss you Marie. I wish we had a continuing friendship.....
We met when our kids were 3 and in the same kindy. The kids were the best of friends and always played together so one day we organised to have a play date together to meet. We hit it off instantly and found we had much in common (we were even in the hospital together at the same time when we had the kids). We began what was to be a very close friendship, she even helped plan and organise my baby shower for my second baby. There were many many days and nights that we spent with the kids playing and us talking about life.
I journeyed with her as she planned and then subsequently left her husband. I supported her through this time, always there on the phone, or in person, being a shoulder to cry on, cooking a meal or six and just being the best friend i could be.
Her journey was fraught with regret, sadness, disappointment and eventually depression, and i could see her slowly but surely disintegrating as her life changed and she found that it was really hard as a single mum. Her own mother was very hard on her (for ethnic reasons) and she didnt have a lot of friends. I could see her depression really taking hold and supported her fully in all her decisions and kindly offered advice where appropriate.
I think this is where our friendship started to decline. Looking back i realise now that perhaps she is too sick to want advice. Perhaps she feels threatened by me as i may be perceived to pity her, and while i have "it all together" (not really!) maybe that is too much to take when one is so depressed?
I have just had another baby and in the last year and a half i have had little contact with her, she doesnt know my son or daugther at all. i still see her sometimes at school, but all last year i chose not to go into the school yard as i didnt want to say what was really on my mind, and so i avoided all contact.
about 4mths ago she text me saying how much she missed me and that she was sorry she hadnt been in touch etc etc. she asked if we could meet up for a coffee and i was a little non-committal to which she responded "i promise we are meeting up this weekend!" (I guess she knew how flaky she had become). We had a lovely chat, and caught up on each other's lives, but i vowed not to put too much into it until i could see some commitment from her side.
I realise now 4mths later after only seeing her once when Addi was born, that I was right to be cautious.
She sent me a text early December asking that we dont do Xmas presents for the kids anymore, and i thought it was just a financial decision, and so of course thought nothing of it. Now i realise that this was her way of cutting me off.
I sent her a text not long after the Xmas present one, saying that things were a bit tough for me at that time and i sure could use a friend. She replied saying that things were tough for her too....but didnt ask how i was going with a new baby.
I saw her at school yesterday and she ignored me. I guess i was ignoring her too as i kept my back to her and busied myself with the other girls in the school yard. it didnt hurt actually, more it was an act of defiance, almost as if with my back to her i was saying "screw you, i dont need a friend like you". I feel bad that i felt i had to behave like that, but i feel like i would be fake if i said hello and pretended that i wanted to talk to her.
Frankly i dont want to hear about how hard her life is now. I am sick of caring and wanting to support her. I feel like i have not been given anything back.
I sent her a text at 3.45am telling her that our friendship is over, and that i am sad about that as i really enjoyed our friendship 3-5yrs ago. I feel such a sense of loss, but also i feel strong now knowing that i have set my boundaries and i wont be taken advantage of (even if it wasnt intended) anymore.
How sad that we cant have friendships always lasting forever. How sad that people get so broken that they forget there are people counting on them. I have to remember that i cant save people from themselves, i can only offer up a shoulder to lean on and then the rest is up to them. And also that if they have finished leaning and want to walk on their own, then that's their perogative too.
i will always miss you Marie. I wish we had a continuing friendship.....
Friday, February 5, 2010
a Right to Birth
I have had three births - the first was on a table, epidural, people evertwhere!
The second and third were waterbirths in a Birth Centre with one midwife and my husband.....hhmmm, i know which two i preferred.
The Australian Government is trying very hard to force midwives back into the hospital system, where there is more intervention via induction, c-section and poking and prodding.
When are people going to realise that birthing is a natural process that women were created to do? !!!
I get so annoyed when i hear women tell me that they have an obstetrician overseeing their pregnancy, when they are LOW risk, healthy women. Do you go to the doctor every time you get a cold just because it could turn into pneumonia? NO! So why do you need to see a specialist when you are experiencing a normal pregnancy?
They go because they believe the hype...that they could die, that their baby could die, that there could be complications, that they may need induction, that their baby may be too large to birth normally...the list goes on and on.
But for all they know, they could birth just fine, or they could get hit by a bus, or they could birth in a taxi on the way to hospital and their doctor!
I believe women need to be monitored during pregnancy, but that they should be treated to the expertise of a midwife that is passionate for natural birthing.
Labour does not have to be excruiciating! It can be joyful, intense, and wonderful!
It doesnt have to be heaviyl monitored with drips and heart rate monitors and epidurals stopping you from actively moving around. The wonderful thing about active childbirth is that you move around so your baby can make its way in to the birth canal. You rock and sway and hum and chant and breathe that little being into this world. It is primal. It is instinctual. It is how God intended us to birth.
It does not need to be agonsising and scary and an ordeal.
I challenge women around the world to spread to good news about birthing, in order to encourage new mothers to release the fear they have and to embrace this moment in their lives.
Being a woman and being able to birth is a privilege, and so to have the government legislate how they can birth is a travesty!
If a woman wants total care, then let her. If a woman wants to birth in her lounge room, then let her! If a woman wants something in between then let her!
This is about removing the fears and the barriers facing pregnant women. Allowing them to make safe decisions for their own lives, and not being controlled by law.
We all know that we can die on our roads...but does the government legislate that we cannot drive on them? No. They say we can stick to a speed limit, and not drink and drive.
So too, they should apply the same rules to childbirth.....we can have midwives care for us at home provided it is a normal low risk pregnancy and that the home environment is sound for birthing!
Something to think about....
The second and third were waterbirths in a Birth Centre with one midwife and my husband.....hhmmm, i know which two i preferred.
The Australian Government is trying very hard to force midwives back into the hospital system, where there is more intervention via induction, c-section and poking and prodding.
When are people going to realise that birthing is a natural process that women were created to do? !!!
I get so annoyed when i hear women tell me that they have an obstetrician overseeing their pregnancy, when they are LOW risk, healthy women. Do you go to the doctor every time you get a cold just because it could turn into pneumonia? NO! So why do you need to see a specialist when you are experiencing a normal pregnancy?
They go because they believe the hype...that they could die, that their baby could die, that there could be complications, that they may need induction, that their baby may be too large to birth normally...the list goes on and on.
But for all they know, they could birth just fine, or they could get hit by a bus, or they could birth in a taxi on the way to hospital and their doctor!
I believe women need to be monitored during pregnancy, but that they should be treated to the expertise of a midwife that is passionate for natural birthing.
Labour does not have to be excruiciating! It can be joyful, intense, and wonderful!
It doesnt have to be heaviyl monitored with drips and heart rate monitors and epidurals stopping you from actively moving around. The wonderful thing about active childbirth is that you move around so your baby can make its way in to the birth canal. You rock and sway and hum and chant and breathe that little being into this world. It is primal. It is instinctual. It is how God intended us to birth.
It does not need to be agonsising and scary and an ordeal.
I challenge women around the world to spread to good news about birthing, in order to encourage new mothers to release the fear they have and to embrace this moment in their lives.
Being a woman and being able to birth is a privilege, and so to have the government legislate how they can birth is a travesty!
If a woman wants total care, then let her. If a woman wants to birth in her lounge room, then let her! If a woman wants something in between then let her!
This is about removing the fears and the barriers facing pregnant women. Allowing them to make safe decisions for their own lives, and not being controlled by law.
We all know that we can die on our roads...but does the government legislate that we cannot drive on them? No. They say we can stick to a speed limit, and not drink and drive.
So too, they should apply the same rules to childbirth.....we can have midwives care for us at home provided it is a normal low risk pregnancy and that the home environment is sound for birthing!
Something to think about....
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A Personal Journey with Three Children
This is the first foray into blogging, and i thought it may be helpful to share my experiences as a new Mother of Three for those out there going through the same thing!
My children are 8yrs, 2yrs and 4months. I am tired, but happy, stressed, but calm, and busy, but feeling rewarded.
Some days i am none of these things, some days i am more.
Prior to having my second and third children i would look at women who had three children and think "my goodness, why are you so ratty?" or "yes they seem to have lost the plot today", or "why do they not enjoy their children?"
Now i can understand why they look so ratty! Taking care of more than two children is a whole new world of pain.....and happiness! Suddenly there are no more hands, no more feet and no one to help you through the day until hubby gets home.
I hope that through reading about my experiences, you will come to know that you are not alone and perhaps even feel better about your situation!
This morning I nearly lost my baby due to my 2yr old pushing over a pedestal fan. The baby w
as laying on her tummy on the floor and had she rolled to the left, she would not be with us now. Thank God she rolled to her right. Needless to say the fan is now removed.
Then I was vaccuming and had her on her bouncer at the back of the chaise lounge. My back was turned for only a minute and there was the 2y.o pulling her off the lounge. When i got to her she was dangling by a thread! Needless to say i am now not putting her on the back of the chaise!
Today was too close for comfort. My nerves are a little frayed.
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